In The Year 2025

David Michael Green
The Regressive Antidote

A Message From Dear Leader Palin:

Comrades, your attention please. As we come now to mark a dozen years spent as your Dear Leader, I thought it might be worthwhile to take stock of our achievements. And as Thanksgiving time rolls around once more, I thought it only proper to take stock of our blessings, and give thanks to the Lord Jesus for all he has given us.

We should be thankful, to begin with, for our unity as a nation. Many of us remember well the ugliness of the democracy our parents suffered under, with all its messy dissent and nasty name-calling. That is now over for good. In our last election (which was, truly, our last election), fully one hundred percent of the population of God’s chosen country voted in favor of making me Dear Leader For Life, an astonishing show of unanimity and national will. No more ugliness, no more division, no more worrying “Should I vote for Tweedledee or Tweedledum?” choice. We are one people now, with one Leader, as God always intended.

We must be thankful as well for our freedom from freedoms. I know I speak for all of those from my generation who can remind you younger patriots of how destructive it was to the national peace when anyone could say anything, when people could disrupt our family prayer hour with demonstrations on the street, when sexual deviants could undermine our wholesomeness by getting married or serving in our military, or when Muslims defamed the name of our Lord Jesus by their very presence in America. We are so much freer now without these infernal threats to our well-being and our perfectly rigid belief structure. And we are so much truer to what our blessed Founders had in mind when they wrote our Christian Constitution.

Similarly, now that we have finally cleared our airwaves of all the smut that used to clog them, we are so much happier as a society. Why would anyone require anything other than PaliFox, anyhow? It provides all the entertainment we need, and just enough news to remind you of your civic duties, but not so much as to make you worry anymore. Isn’t that a relief? Let us be thankful for this blessing, and also for how much it has blessed your Dear Leader’s personal Patriot Account.

I am happy to report that all of our wars are going swimmingly. And we don’t even have to worry anymore about catering to wimpy fussbudget allies who were constantly complaining about torture this, and international law that, and all those other effete niceties Eurosissies love so much. We may be fighting clear across the evil Muslim world all by ourselves but, by golly, we don’t have to worry. We are a great and exceptional nation, and our god kicks butt on their silly deity. We should be especially thankful now for all our men in uniform – the straight, the male and the many. They protect us from terrorists every day, and we join in thanks for their service, and for the way the country has rallied around our universal military service policy so necessary to fight all these wars at once.

We are not only more secure in the world now, but we are also more economically secure since our National Patriotic Readjustment Policy went into effect recently. Banning unions, the minimum wage, productivity-choking rules like the forty-hour week, and ruinous red tape from bureaucratic agencies like that old OSHA thingy, we’ve now created the model economy for our great nation. Our human resources are the best in the world, and our rich elites are therefore unsurpassed in their wealth. We have achieved one of the highest degrees of income diversity on the planet! You betcha. We’re America! Everything we do is great.

To be sure, it took some doing to get where we are. The country I inherited was a mess. It got so bad that our last president wasn’t even an American. Plus, he was a Muslim and a socialist, and he wasn’t even white like presidents are supposed to be. But we rolled up our sleeves and got to work, and now it’s morning in America again. Again.

Of course, we had to get rid of the dissenters and the whiners and the bleeding-heart evildoer coddlers, but that tough love is what it takes to have a healthy society. And I think the Liberal Reorientation Camps are working out pretty great, don’t you?

Look at how much better off we are, too, now that we’ve re-learned the great lessons of self-reliance that long-ago generations had understood so well. Our seniors have toughened up since we got rid of those Social Security and Medicare albatrosses that made them so soft in the past. They no longer have to take care of their homes anymore, and every time I visit them in the Patriot Palaces we’ve constructed they all tell me how much nicer life is now. True, they don’t live as long as they used to when they got health care and stuff, but believe-you-me the Ministry of Information is working on correcting those statistics even as we speak. Pretty soon America’s seniors will be living longer than ever!

Same with the youngins. All that public education was making them weak at the same time it was draining our financial resources. Not anymore. I’m so proud of our country when I see our wee little Entrepreneur Scouts working in factories almost as soon as they can walk! Our education system is so much more suited to our needs today. No more Emerson for everyone, no more algebra for all. Now we focus our teaching like a laser beam, and our little worker bees learn just exactly what they need to be super productive at the factory – not a bit less, and definitely no more.

We are also able to produce so much more these days, having stripped away all that socialist environmental regulation. And none too soon, either! Now that Manhattan and most of Florida are nearly underwater, we can’t be worrying about such trivialities as we man-up to build the barricades we need to keep the raging waters at bay.

One of our greatest achievements has been to finally tame the powers of the government, so that it can be as good as a great nation like ours deserves. We’ve moved the White House back to Wall Street, where Washington himself took the oath of office. It’s so much better that way, since government officials no longer have that long commute to get to work anymore.

And renaming Congress as the House of Lords was such a great stroke. I want to thank Vice President Palin and Homeland Security Secretary Palin for that great idea, and for restructuring our legislative branch so that it has all the same powers as the British upper house. I hear every day from our great American citizens how much they appreciate the new system, without the messy checking and balancing that used to bog us down. That is, before the Great Crusade Wars that required us to suspend Congress, the courts, the Bill of Rights and the rest of the Constitution. It’s all so much easier now when I just decide. Doncha think?

America is back, my fellow citizens! Our people have assumed their rightful place and have learned once again the great qualities of respect and deference. We know, as we used to, that it is faith in what our superiors tell us – not the Devil’s decadent belief in our own sadly mistaken observations – that brings us the good life. And God has rewarded us for our faith by returning to us, and bringing his gifts of obedience, order and really, really rich rich people, just like the Good Book says.

God bless the Christian Corporate States of America!

And God bless America’s Dear Leader For Life!


Illustration: Schuyler Ebbets © The People's Voice


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